Life can be terrifying at times.
I say this not to scare you or to manufacture some type of temporary concern. It is simply the truth.
Life is good, and wonderful, and such a beautiful thing to experience on most days. But when you become a parent, you lose a few little luxuries that we too often take for granted. Fear seeps in, especially the fear of losing your child - or your child losing you - and all rationality just goes out the door.
A Poor Heart
Tuesday night, I was absolutely convinced that I was having a heart attack. Excruciating pain crushed my chest, so much so that I had to keep my back arched in an unnatural fashion just to be able to breathe. But something else was wrong. No matter how hard I tried to inhale, I was just not getting the oxygen that my body required. My blood stopped circulating properly, leaving me with whitened skin and blue lips. A cold sweat covered my body, much like the morning dew clings to the grass and flowers in my yard.
Things were not looking good.
After two days of laying in bed, with chest pain, lightheadedness, and a diminished appetite, I decided I was not going to be scared anymore. I was going to do something about my pain and my fear.
The doctor listened to my symptoms, checked me out, and ordered a few tests. One test was an ECG, which checks to see if the heart is working properly. I passed this test, thank the Lord! Another was a blood test. I'm not sure exactly what the blood test is for, but I will find out sometime on Monday, along with any additional steps we need to take at my next visit in February.
In the meantime, I've been placed on medication to handle my anxiety. I've struggled with panic attacks and an overwhelming sense of doom and gloom for many years now, and if you are struggling with symptoms of anxiety, let me encourage you to seek help. Now.
You do not want to have a heart attack.
You do not want to think you've had a heart attack.
And you most certainly do not want to die and leave your child without a parent because of your stubbornness to seek the medical help that you do need.
One fear of mine is that something bad will happen to my daughter. That she will fall and bust her teeth out, or gash her eyeball, or even die.
Another fear, a new crippling fear, is that my daughter will lose me. I'm her best friend, her teacher, and her playmate. I'm supposed to help her plan her dream wedding and be right by her side when my grandbaby is born. I have to be there for her as she navigates her way through life.
My pastor reminded me that our fears reflect on the things that we do not fully trust in God to take care of. Do I trust that God has good plans for my life? Absolutely. Do I trust that God has good plans for my life, even if that means I have to die young? Not so much.
It hurts to think of fear like that, but the words are absolutely true. The God that made me, that loves me, and that provides for me on a daily basis is more than capable of taking care of me, my daughter, and my husband in His own perfect way. It is time to let go of the fear, and to accept God's provision and wisdom while I set aside my selfish disbelief.
What are you afraid of?
Danger told me that she was scared of monsters. While I told her that monsters are not real, she shocked me by replying, "But mom! Monsters ARE real! Bugs are real." I can't argue with that logic ;)
Enjoy your long weekend, and remember: God is in control, and we are in good hands.
Btw- Isn't the above video of Seeds Family Worship just so wonderful and encouraging? Check out more of their videos on youtube!