A Mommy's Guide To Beauty

It's practically inevitable. You shower, put on clean clothes, and just as you're about to walk out of the house, the baby poops. (Or pees. Or pukes. Or all three.) You must dash back into the closet to find something else, only you will most likely forget something - the lingering odor that baby secretions leave behind. You may not smell the vomit, pee, or poop but rest assured, the friend you're meeting at the coffee shop will notice. Embrace this new perfume, and wear it as a badge of honor: you are officially a mom. One of the best things about being a mom? All of those countless times when baby headbutts your face. You know what I'm talking about. You're sitting on the couch reading a book to your innocent little angel when -wham!- out of nowhere, baby rocks back and catches your mouth with the back of her head. You are lucky, Mama. You get to have a full, puffy pout without getting all of those nasty chemicals pumped into your lips. You get to save money and your health at the same time! The best part - when you can time baby's headbutts to your advantage (say, a headbutt an hour before date night? Don't mind if I do...) One of the not-so-great things about being headbutted by baby is that sometimes her head doesn't meet with your mouth and instead, you are left with a black eye. That's ok. You've always dreamed of experimenting with bolder colors of eyeshadow. At least now you have an excuse to layer on the purples, blues, and browns that a black eye is sure to produce. You'll have the opportunity to try out daring looks, and if your guy doesn't like it, you can always blame the baby. As if mothers don't have it hard enough, we lose a lot of hair after baby is born. I'm talking about hair-trail-in-the-carpet, why-am-I-not-going-bald?! amounts of hair. Don't worry, though. Take this as an opportunity to chop it all off. Baby will one day be strong enough to yank on your hair, so why not nip things in the bud and just cut it all off, already? You know you want to.  For bigger boobs, breastfeed. But do it indefinitely. Even if you want to stop. Even if the kid has her driver's license and wants to go away to college. Nah, who am I kidding? Do it for as long as you can until you can save up enough money for a breast augmentation (because you're probably going to need one!) I'd show you Exhibit A, but then my blog would not be quite so safe for work.  This is pretty much self-explanatory, but if you share your food with your child, you will lose weight. Why? Because I said so. Let's leave it at that. During pregnancy, a mother's glow is attributed to various hormone levels in the body. After baby is born, this "glow" is really just a thin veil of sweat. Why are we mothers sweating so much? Because we're busy, that's why. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, diapering, chasing after the kid, cooking, cleaning, laundry, blogging... it's a hard life. What would you add to this list?